Archive for October, 2020

Step 1 Homework

October 3, 2020 2 comments

Write out 5 ways your life was unmanageable, 5 ways you were powerless , and something my sponsor did with me was had me write out my vision on what I want my sober life to be like a year from now.

5 ways my life was unmanageable:

  1. Legal Issues – due to the use of drugs I have acquired several pending felony charges.  One charge has the requirement that upon bonding I wear a GPS tracking device and reside at all times within the state of Indiana……
  2. Due to GPS monitoring I’m essentially homeless and without the support of outreach and community programs such as Reuben Engagement Center and Talbot House I would be living on the street.  Prior to finding these programs I was living at the truck stops in hotels or at one point in an RV trailer.  The RV trailer was terribly damaged by a prostitute in an auto accident after I fell out from using meth and Xanax.  Regardless the truck required to pull the RV trailer was repossessed for lack of payment….
  3. I have no income short of talking money from my mother.  Eventually I acquired Unemployment Benefits which has lessened the financial burden on my mother.  At this point she has $5K lawyer + $5K bond + $5K misc (hotels, bus tickets, food, gas, RV parks, and yes, I spend her money on drugs).
  4. I have traded sex for drugs.  I have also allowed girlfriends to prostitute themselves on the street for money for us to buy drugs and hotel rooms.  Unprotected sexual activity during the time of a Pandemic and then returning to my family and grandchildren possibly endangering their lives.  I have actually feared kissing my grandchildren as I could potentially have oral STD infections.
  5. I have no control over what tomorrow will bring.  When in active addiction the day would revolve around doing whatever is necessary to use.  When in abstinence the day would revolve around battling psychological disorders, suicidal depression, and apologizing for the pain I continue to cause my family on a daily basis.  It’s not bad enough I’ve destroyed myself, but I lash out at people who love me and I am vicious in my attacks on them.

5 ways I am powerless over crack cocaine:

  1. If I take a single hit of crack I will have a burning need to use more.  The need will eventually subside if I do not take a second hit.  However, there are very few things in this world that can keep me from taking that second hit.  The second hit will result in my continued use until I am financially exhausted.
  2. I have snuck out of bed with my little girl at night on weekends to smoke crack in the back room.  This tells me crack has more power over me than snuggling with my little girl.  I would do anything for my little girl, except not smoke crack while she’s in my arms asleep.  That is powerless.
  3. I will never feel the euphoria and happiness I feel when smoking crack.
  4. Not only will I lie to my most loved family members, I will lie to myself because if crack.
  5. I have knowingly, willingly, and eagerly released control of my existence and life to crack cocaine.  Furthermore I have released control of my baby girls life into the hands of crack cocaine.

My vision on what I want my sober life to be like a year from now

One year from now I will still be resolving the damage of my use of crack.  I will be on probation or in prison.  I want to be on probation so I will detail that vision.

I will be an active member of an Anonymous group, be it Alcoholic, Cocaine, or Narcotics.  I know the spiritual strength I receive from my involvement will be the same, regardless the chemical associated with the other members addiction.  I will be seeking to give to others the sobriety and tell them of the path and struggles I’ve walked and overcame to be living a sober life.

I will eagerly attend my scheduled meetings.  Anonymous meetings will not be my life, they will be the icing on the cake.  They will be a constant reminder of where I was, the newcomers will be keep in clear view of who I was, and meetings will be the platform upon which I continue working the steps necessary for me to remain sober.  I will do for others by reaching out to help the fallen just as others have done for me.

I will live a happy sober life.   I will not be the recovered addict who loathes their sober existence.  I will have learned that being sober alone will not make me happy, but that sobriety is the foundation upon which I will build my happiness.

I am blessed by my Higher Power in that I have potential in this life to still be tremendously successful.  I will have learned that success in life is more than financial success and I will use my pending financial success to bless those in need.

I want the strength of my human spirit to shine as a beacon to others and draw people toward me that need to feel the type of love that can only be freely given without needing to be asked for.  I want people to feel loved when in my presence.  I want to base the value of my existence solely on the value I place on other people.  I want to live a happy and selfless sober life and I want everybody to know my story of recovery.

Lastly, because I know so little yet of it, I want to live a spiritual life.  I know that I am spiritually diseased.  My spirit is sick but not dead.  My spirit has been rushed to the hospital and is currently attached to a life support machine that has 12 cords hanging from it.  I’ve plugged one of those cords into the wall.  I have 11 more to go before being released from this hospital.

In a year I will be spiritually well but not quite healthy, my spirit will be growing but not yet mature, my spirit will be on fire but not shining.  One year from now I will need to remember, regardless how good I’m doing in recovery, I cannot stop doing what has carried me that far.

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